Waiting for Happiness

Welcome to this episode of Wabi Sabi. We're just talking about this, which is like, how should we start? I'm actually waiting on how to start. And that's really the topic of today, really. So that's the topic of waiting. It's funny, interesting that you mentioned this topic to me today, because when you think about our journey of life, I know that-

See, they irony.

I've been waiting on decisions and you've been waiting on decisions and I'm sure everybody listening to this is waiting on some sort of decision. You know, being in Southern Europe, it's a waiting game, constantly waiting for someone to respond to you. And I gotta say moving here since the move from Australia to here, it's definitely a changing culture and a change in pace where when you want something done, you can get it, right? But... here, you kind of want something done, and there's like, no response. It's almost like a ghosting action here. So it's like, so you're kind of left in this limbo that I go like, did they even get the message? Am I actually waiting? Or I'm not even sure if I'm waiting for anything. So we thought like, this translates really well in people's lives, because you said it perfectly. And I want to steal your line. And then you can kind of go in with this is that you like how many hours or days or weeks or months?

No. Yeah.

Do we actually spend waiting for life to happen? Waiting for someone else to make a decision for us to live our life and hence being happy about life. So Jim, take it away.

Yeah. 100%, yeah, I think it's really relevant because we are. We're waiting for something and somehow, someone to approve this or I'm waiting for my results or you talk to people in business, yeah, I'm waiting for this cycle to complete before I can do this. And there's a powerlessness that comes with that. Certainly, and we've explored this before, where sometimes there's a big difference between power and force. There's some things that through will, through your own ego, you try and push forward, but it's not gonna happen. It's a case of going, okay, there are some things that are out of your control. What are you going to do in the interim? What are you going to do while you're waiting? Are you going to blow up and implode because the stress of all of that is building up in you, or are you going to find ways to adapt to that too? As you said, to like, to adopt more of a Southern European approach of just take it easy, relax, chill, or are you going to just find ways on strategies within yourself to, to find karma peace internally? so you can handle your external environment.

Yeah, I think a lot of times what we tend to do is that we, we all craving for happiness. And I believe that's what we kind of ended up doing. And, but yet oftentimes I think we put ourselves in these positions for, to create this happiness that is actually external to ourselves. I think that's probably a problem. Number one is like we wait with waiting because we are waiting for someone's approval or waiting for something to happen that is outside of our control. Which is external versus internal. And I think that's a really important. Now I understand. there's certain things that just has to be that way, right? I'm not saying that we can, you know, not saying that we need to ignore that. However, I think that's something to kind of think about. The more internal validations or the internal happiness that comes from inside is gonna be less dependent on someone else. But when you're dependent on someone else, it's all external, you know, waiting for, you know, did you graduate? You know, did we get into the university? Or did you get that visa approval? You know, you're always waiting for something and that's outside of control. And I personally don't like that. I don't mean we have to do that. Right. We know all, we all both waited for our visa to, to arrive, whether it be approved or not, we all have to wait for certain things, certifications or, you know, whether we pass that exam. They're all constantly doing that. Yes, those are external, but I don't personally like that because sometimes like I feel out of control. I feel like my life is not in my control. And I like to put myself in situations where I'm

Hmm.

I'm the one who's in control of my life. So I tend to put or put myself in situations or environment that I get to dictate or influence that outcome if I can. Now I can't do it 100% but I try to put myself that at least I have a chance. So if I'm taking a test, I can influence that test score by basing how hard I study for that test, right? I don't know what tests, what questions are gonna be coming up.

Yep.

but I can best prepare myself. So I'm still kind of having some influence. But if I take a random test, you know, and put myself in a situation where like, I have to just literally just wait for someone to give me, like, oh, here you go. I don't even know what subject or something. That would be really challenging for me. And so that's the analogy I would have for life.

Hmm. Yeah. That's a, that's a really good one because to a degree and extent, your inner world determines your outer world as well too. And so I've always found, like you said, I, I have a reference and a preference for control and self autonomy. So I appreciate that. I like about that. So when there are events outside of my control, if I don't have internal regulation of whether I feel like in me control, I'll be taken out by. external events. A lot of the times, but particularly during, you know, we keep referencing it, but it was a perfect sociological experiment. During the period of COVID, where there was so much external uncertainty, the people that handled it the best were the people that control on factors and they controlled what they could control. They controlled the controllables and if they didn't have internal regulation, they were taken up like a hurricane or tornado by what was going on externally. And so to me, there's a gift that

Hmm.

that was passed on by a martial arts instructor with me very long ago was you need to find some level of internal harmony and balance and peace so that irrespective of what's going on, because you can't always control the external factors, you are not, you still have control over yourself. And to me, that's what allows me to have peace. And so as a result, I live by the motto, don't let anything or anyone steal your inner peace or your inner joy.

Mmm. Yeah.

by giving it away. And that to me is a little mantra that I find helps me a lot.

It's very similar to the book, Victor Frankel with man search for meaning, right? And it's like, you know, he's writing it from a perspective of being in a concentration camp and you know, you are not in control, but he did find control. You know, he found control within himself and what, how he thought. And he wrote a book while he was in there. And I think that's type of scenario. Even the worst case scenarios can, you can, you know, you find examples like that where they are able to find some autonomy.

Yes.

not the autonomy, it wasn't great, but still, there was some autonomy there. And I think it's about that internal switch that you have to have. But most of us really kind of default to all the external things that we can't control rather than focusing on things we can't control. And it's, it takes a lot of mastery, I think, to train your brain, to train your mind, to look for the thing that you can control in the moments of where it seems like everything's out of control. It's really difficult to do that. And I don't advise people to do that, to wait until it happens when you're in an uncontrollable situation to test whether or not you can focus on the controllables. It's something that you want to master or train yourself when things are actually pretty good or when things are, you know, life is not at stake or there's not many decisions that are at stake in order for you to do that. When you can do that during those periods, you're basically creating muscle memory.

Yep.

I actually shot a video about that, right? So it's like creating this muscle memory over time so that when you do have to activate it, it is activated. You can easily draw on that experience. It might not be perfect, but it's gonna be great. And this is where, you know, when someone goes into play, you know, the Super Bowl or the world championships or the Olympics with the gold medal, you know, all the hard training is already done. Like if you're worried about your training before that, you know, match, you're doing it wrong. Like all the training should have been done.

Yep. Oof. Mmm.

prior to that moment. You can't really add things to your training at that last minute. That's gonna make a massive difference in your game. Cause all the hard work should have been done so that when you're prepared for the game.

Hmm. Yeah. And there's a saying that says, you know, you don't rise to the level of the occasion, you default to your level of preparation. So I think a lot of that is what you're saying where you've done the reps, you've, you're saying to yourself, Hey, I've been here before. I understand this. This is familiar. There's nothing to be scared or worried about, et cetera, et cetera. So that maintains a normality, which actually creates that feeling and that sense of control, which is really.

Hmm.

which is really cool. I'd love to go somewhere before we started recording, you talked about a topic that I picked, a theme that I picked up that you said was, I'll be happy when, Lawrence. So we see that so many often and anybody's ever seen the movie in pursuit of happiness. It's a great reference for that. So do you wanna expand on that as a concept and what you had in mind when you were saying that?

Mmm. Yeah. Well, you know, I'll be happy when is a I think it's a mantra or something we kind of think about all the time. I think I still probably think about it, you know, you know, it's just something that you when if you're admit to yourself that you're doing that, it's good to flesh that out and go like, why do we do that to ourselves? And you know, I'll be happy when X like I have a million dollars my bank account or I have certain amount of numbers in my sales, or if my business grows to whatever X, or I have, you know, or my kids get accepted to Harvard or whatever it is. Like these moments we just kind of create, and most people think of them as goals, right? If I, I'll be happy when I reach these goals. In my experience, right, none of us were ever happy when. Like to my experience it's always that

Because it's conditional, right? It's conditional.

We say we'll be happy. Yeah, it's all, exactly. And it's, we, like, I have never met anyone who's ever been happy when they met whatever they said they were gonna do, right? None of us are ever happy when we get, we're happy in the moment, but you're not, it's not as happy as you thought you were gonna be because you've already, as soon as you came close or achieved that one, your brain already kind of looked for the next thing, right? And it's like, well, if I can make a million, like, then I can make five.

Yeah. Shoo. Yeah.

And if I can make five, I can make 10, you know, or if I just had that girl, then, oh, great. Like, you know, the now can I now I'm going to be able to like, maybe I should marry her or if I can have that girl that I maybe should have that deal. So you're always kind of like looking to climb the next mountain that you're trying to achieve. And so no one's ever been happy. So what, what does that, what does that tell us? Well, I think it tells us a couple things. One is, you know, the pursuit of your goal, the destination isn't the pursuit.

Yeah.

Right? It's actually the pursuit, the journey that I think is important here. You know, what you go through then that journey, the heartaches, the things that you have to overcome, that is what the juice of it, that's where the happiness actually comes from. And it's the second thing is to recognize is the person you become through that journey. Whether you make it to the mountaintop or not, either way... you learn something about yourself. And if you did come close to the mountaintop or made it past the mountaintop, you now have rewired or changed or transformed something in your life to a person that is not the same as you were before you started the mountain climb at Basecamp. And the thing is, is that at the top of the mountain, that mountain looks great at the moment, but there's another mountain. So which means like that goal no longer is relevant to you.

Yeah.

That will change. But what won't change is the person you become. Because what won't change is that as you become that person who achieved that mountaintop, guess what happened? Well, however you changed, however you evolve, however you transform, they can't take that away because it's like an elastic that's been stretched, can't go back to its original form.

Mm. It's like a skillset that you do. That's right. You develop that, as you said, no one can take away from you. So I'm curious too, Lauren. So how do you handle situations where you're waiting? What do you do once again? Well, I'll share what I do that I shared beforehand after I heard you have a go at that as well. But how do you handle the waiting game for you so that you ensure that you keep control You stay in control of what you can control and allow the process to ride out. Perfect example, you had an exceptionally long period of time waiting for a house to basically, to be able to move into the house. You had delay after delay after delay. You're an Airbnb after Airbnb for ages. What did you do and who did you become in order to navigate that process?

Hmm Yeah, so it wasn't a perfect ride. So because we had certain expectations and what I'd recognize and I learned this in the past is that having expectations is what the problem usually is. Like having any expectations expecting something because as long as there's some expectation on something else or someone has an expectation of me or I have an expectation of others, that expectation is what kills it, right? And so one is I recognize that, I'll tell you the truth, the truth is it was hard. I know we talked about this in various podcasts. It was definitely frustrations. And just because promises that were never met, promises that were never kept. And going through the ride, you start to recognize after a while, like I can continue waiting and trying to be patient, which I'm not, and you know, trying to be, I can continue going down this path, but I also recognize that that's actually not helping me or my family at this moment in time. So there was a switch that had to happen.

Hmm.

where both Karen and I just went, okay, like, it's not going any times faster than we think, or it's not it was not going to happen anytime soon. So therefore, we have to either one stop being a victim of our life, and switch it around to something we can control. So first of all, the first thing I would do is check gain control, right gain control of the situation. And so what can't we control? Well, obviously, permits all that stuff, but we can control is well, we can choose the type of Airbnb that we're gonna go to. And instead of just thinking like, oh, let's one month, you know, and hopefully we'll get it. No, no, let's just forget about the house and let's just go two or three months. Let's just book a long-term accommodation with an option to hopefully find that we can cancel if we needed to. And we actually did find that. It was as surprising as that was. We found an opportunity where we were able to commit for like, I think...

Yeah.

two months, two months, and with the option to carry this up to four, if we wanted to, and the person was very flexible. And which was really surprising. So that's what was one number one, take control of the situation. And I could, I go, and the other thing was, I also just, I took action on that, right? So once you're aware of that, okay, this is not going down a happy road. So let's just go chain our situation.

Mm-hmm.

Let's go find something that we actually enjoy. So we found a place that we go, okay, instead of staying in these crappy air me be and settling for whatever's coming up, let's just go for a nice one and we're gonna stay there for a long time and just commit to that. And you know what, when the house finishes, it finishes. And it's like that change of mindset around forgetting, forgetting about when the house is gonna, you know that it's gonna happen at some point. Rather than having a certain deadline to it, I just go, you know what, that's out of my control.

Yep. Okay. Yep.

but I can't control this, I can be happy in the moment rather than waiting for happiness to happen after. So live and be happy now.

Yeah, I think there are good distinctions there. So, you know, the theme that I'm hearing when you're talking about that is obviously number one, there's surrendering to the things that are out of your control, right? So I think that's an important part of it. But then a really important thing is like, there was a moment, it switched from, okay, this has got a hold of us and we're at the effect of the circumstances to shifting the momentum and going, okay, this is what we can control right now.

Yeah.

And that I imagine gave you a sense of autonomy and control, which down-regulated the stress response of not having control, which allowed you to bide your time while that was happening. So that was a really good strategy. That was just me dissecting that. And the reason I ask that is because to a degree I do that, but I'll hand on heart, I get frustrated very quickly when things aren't progressing. And it's not, it is sometimes expectations. I think you're spot on there. It's also just for me, momentum and movement are important. And anytime I don't have momentum, I don't feel like things are progressing. And so I have to have a feeling of small victories regularly to quieten down the part of my brain that says nothing's happening fast enough. And that, because that becomes stressful for me. So I was just telling you earlier on that I'm now in a waiting game, waiting for some things that are, same thing, out of our control. So what do I do? I don't want to act from that frustrated, impulsive place. So I have to fatigue myself. Yeah, I have to fatigue myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think that's important. Yeah, and I think that's really important to kind of distinguish and meaning like, because you can easily sort of cut you off there, but you can easily, right, act from the place of frustration, which I feel like you could make a drastic mistake. So can you kind of walk us through like how you made that decision or being very aware that you have to almost go, okay, no, I'm not gonna act like this. I need to figure something else to kind of find the right energy and approach to kind of.

That's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think, I think the, one of the beauties of aging is you get to know about yourself better and you know, what works for you and whatnot. So I know in myself, I've got emotional triggers. If I, if I'm feeling, if something's coming up for me and there's a tension, whether it's in my chest or whatever, I know, okay, there's a, there's a, there's an emotion showing up here. My body is giving me the indication of water. So I know that I'm. probably more activated and charged than I need to be. I'm not thinking as clear as I do. And because of this energy, this exuberance of energy, I need to burn that off. And so for me, I use exercise. And I was just saying, you were on earlier on in this last week or so, I'm training twice a day, not in a formalized 75 at heart. It's like a jujitsu and a weight session or two jujitsu sessions a day. And I feel like I need that to burn the...

impressive.

high level of frustration to allow me to drop into more clear, basically thought. And so I will defer deliberately taking action. I've just learned myself that anytime I act out of those points of force where I'm trying to force the issue and get this going, it just doesn't work correctly. Either there's a miscommunication. I don't communicate something clearly enough or I... force an issue that shouldn't be forced. And as a result, I'm backpedaling and it takes more work. So I had to learn that as well is learning the surrender part, but managing myself in the situation while things play out. I think that's been a really important thing for me. Like taking control, like you said, but as much for me is the emotional regulation. For me has been a really important thing.

You know, one of the things that I think you know, you obviously do and I do the same, which is like transferring that energy, or that frustration into something productive for you know, there's some sort of benefit, right. And the real I'm bringing this up because I can see easily. I'm guilty of this in the past, we, we translate that frustration into something that is like a guilty pleasure. So some people we know like, easily translate that frustration into food and eating.

Yeah.

or they can translate that to some sort of, you know, like, you know, kind of give up on everything and just go like, I'm just gonna go play video games and just be unproductive. It's like, oh, screw this, like life's just too hard. And they just give up on the pursuit. So it's interesting, like, what do you think helps someone to make that switch? Because it's easy to distract yourself. It's easy to translate that frustration. Like, first of all, doing it is hard enough, but then even if you do it, you gotta do it right. So what...

Yeah.

What's the process do you think, what got you to that position to make that distinction, I guess, in choice?

Good point. I think it's emotion. It's awareness basically awareness of self because I think you've got a situation and then you've got your response to the situation and They're two different things you're thinking that the situation is your response and it's not because something can happen and that can have an effect On you, you know something that happens you go. I don't couldn't care less about it for me It's got me really wound up same event different interpretations. So I think an awareness of why that is having an effect. So this is probably the journey, the internal journey that I've gone through as well too. Well, I'll quite often sit with something, okay, what's really going on here? What are we really talking about here? And most times you talk to, you study or talk to a lot of people in this field, they'll say the underlying emotions are usually fear and anxiety of some sort, you know? And so when you are really connected to self and you get really honest with yourself, You go, okay, what am I feeling or what am I allowing myself to believe that isn't true that then is perpetuating this thing that's making this whole thing worse? So I found that the point which, and I can make sense is if I, once I got to know more about myself and my emotional factors and triggers, then I could make more decisive, more, uh, concrete, more, more sound decisions because I wasn't worried about the emotional. corruption of those decisions.

And this goes right back to the point of how important self work is. You got there because you've done a lot of work on yourself and you've gone through some failures and trials and tribulations to kind of get to that conclusion and any avoidance of failure doesn't allow you to do that. So that's why I think it's so important to attend things that will help you become a better person. Most of the time people kind of. attribute to like these are as woo or it's like it's just like, these self development things, but you don't realize because there's no tangible, like, usually outcomes with those type of things. But you don't realize how important self awareness is in people who are super successful, right. And the requirement that's needed to be to be able to execute when the pressure is on. You know, when I look at athletes a lot in terms of how they perform, and it's amazing we never see, we can look at athletes like, oh my God, they're just so gifted and so talented. But we never really give them credit for is the amount of hours and dedications and sacrifice that puts them in the situation to perform at the highest level possible, you know, and to be able to be the greatest of all time. We don't really appreciate what it takes to be amazing. And it's only getting harder and harder because everybody else, your competitors doing exactly the same thing. And so we don't put in the effort. I don't think we put in the effort of the daily effort. And it's what I talked about earlier about the muscle memory, I think is super important that we're consciously every day, putting in the time and effort that to increase that ability to function when the heat is on. You know, when the pressure is on in those moments, because we never know when that's gonna come. It could come around tomorrow. But if you're not ready for it, it's really difficult. I drew back to like learning CPR or first aid. If you don't practice first aid, you know, to agree, I remember talking about this in a previous episode where I would default not to the last F first aid course I took, I would default to the first aid course I took probably 30 years ago when I was like 16 years old.

Hmm.

right? Because I trained so much with that type of method of CPR and AR, that that's it's ingrained in me from a teenager, because I was a lifeguard. And that's what I learned. And I was tested over and over again. But I'm sorry, I the last first day course I took was like maybe a year ago, a year and a half ago, I don't really remember, because I wasn't really tested. Sure, I got a certificate out of it. But I don't remember it. I'm not as not hardwired in there as much.

See you next time. Mmm.

as it was from 30 years ago. So therefore I'm gonna default to that. Now I'm not saying this is a good thing, I'm just saying that this is, at least I have that. Right.

Yeah. And, you know, I was thinking about what you said about personally imports of personal growth worker. I agree. Totally. I think it's essential because life shows you how you do life, for example. So anytime you bounce into yourself or into situations, it will bring up your default, like your lifeguard skills. When the situation required it, you defaulted to what you're already done. Now, if you aren't doing the growth work in yourself, same scenario will keep popping up. Your same default reaction will keep showing up each and every time. Some people, like you said, will want to avoid. So quite often they'll try and numb that, either through numbing their emotions, through substances, through addictions, whatever it is. That's just a strategy to go, I don't feel comfortable in this feeling, so I need to get rid of it. I'm using a dissipation of energy doing it. That's another way. Some people just sit in it and I'll let, and I've been doing that more, you know, just sitting in the emotion allowing it to cycle through.

Yeah.

And that's empowering in and of itself. So, but fundamentally that process of what's the factor that I'm reacting to or responding to, I think actually also gives you a level of control because while you may not be able to train the circumstances, you can control your emotions. And in doing that, that gives you a sense of groundedness, which then allows you to navigate what's going on externally as well.

Hmm. Well, the other side of waiting, right? The other side of waiting is that we have to learn to find patience with ourselves. You know, in order for us to be, you know, master of our domain master of our life, we do have to be patient that we are slowly growing, we're slowly getting better. And oftentimes, I find with clients, their biggest frustrations in themselves is that, why do I keep on going through the same pain? Why do I keep on going through the same trouble? It happens a lot with a lot of clients.

Hmm.

And I was frustrated with that too. I remember a few years ago, I was talking to my coach and I was like, man, I don't know why, but this issue has come up every single year, right? Two or three times a year. Like, why do I go through this all the time? Like, this is ridiculous. I've been working on this for 10 years and it still keeps on coming, it still triggers me. And I'm not sure if that's the right conclusion and you know, like, don't take my word for it. But my belief around that is that I think all of us have like... these one or two kryptonites that really kind of gets us, and it kind of haunts us in a way. Like it's our kryptonite that creates a weakness in us. And we will continue to butt heads with that, whatever that thing, whether it be finances, whether it be relationships or whatever it is. And it keeps on coming up because it's like, that's the thing that's gonna get you. But one of the things I learned over time is that

Hmm.

It's not about surrendering to that I suck at that. It's more about how can I keep on getting better? And recognizing that it's such a slow grind, because it's your kryptonite, that you don't realize that you are actually getting better. And each and every single time, and I reflect upon this, I recognize that the thing that gets me the most, I realize that they don't happen as often as it used to be. I realize the intensity of the pain is not.

Yeah.

as intense and the duration how it affects me is not as long as it used to be. And I realized those three things, the frequency, intensity and duration changes because I've gone better. I've gone better to deal with it. That doesn't go away. I still have it. But I realized that I was able to create tools in myself that helped me get through them. And that was a win. I didn't realize it at the time because I was still frustrated, right? When you're frustrated, you're just kind of stuck in the fire. You're like, oh my God, why?

Hmm.

But it was not until I actually looked back and I'm going, well, when's the last time I acted this actually happened? And how did I react previously? And the previous time before that and the time before that, and you start to realize, I'm like, oh, there's a pattern here. You know, working with my coach has actually helped me. But in the moment, it feels like you didn't get any help because he's like, I'm back here again. But not realizing you're a different person now than you were three years ago, right? And this is what I mean by that challenging mountain. It's like the mountain keeps on changing, so you feel like you're always

Yeah. Yep, yep, yep. Hmm.

dealing with the mountain, but you don't actually see the person you've become. And that's something that you have to look at and go like who have you become and how much further have you gone instead of looking at the number all the time because did you change? Are you better? I think waiting for that to happen, sometimes you just gotta trust and hope that you're doing everything possible to become that better version of yourself.

Yeah. Hmm. That makes sense. The, and that really resonates with me there too, Lawrence, because, you know, as, as the topic of our conversation today about patients, that's my life lesson. And I look at these as what are your life lessons or what's your kryptonite? For me, it's patience without question. And so I am better at it. I get better at it. I try and understand. Like when I said earlier on the underlying emotion under there is usually fear or anxiety about something. And so what am I? And the moment that I can connect with that, I've, I found tools as well too. So like I said, I don't get as agitated, you know, if in my 20s or 30s, you'd suggested to me, Hey, listen, let's go fish, go fishing for three days and just sit and, um, you know, pole in the water, just sit around and we might catch two fish. I just go dude, that's just going to kill me. I just can't do that.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

You know, I don't need to be jet skiing. I need to be on a boat. It needs to be something, you know? So I've mellowed over time and maybe that's, that's refinement and aging that's taught me that part of that's just the natural, uh, youth has, has the energy and the exuberance of, of youth has decreased. And I can actually see things with a lot more wisdom, but for me, that's what I've learned over time and I've had to adapt, but you know, to my younger version of myself, no way. to do that.

Yeah, no, it's definitely an age thing. So we can't hold it. I think we're definitely more patient. I'm actually curious to kind of tag on it because you mentioned how you are very, you don't have patience. Like that's one of the things you're kryptonite, which is patience. And I've been meaning to ask you early in the podcast there, what was the question like moving here to Southern Europe, to Spain? That must have been challenging, but you've never shown it though. Like you've never shown it to me anyway.

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is your frustration. You talk about it, but it never manifests in terms of conversation and impact. So love for you to kind of like, how was the transition for you and the waiting because it's very, very different. And for someone who's like inpatient, and not necessarily inpatient, but where patients frustrates you, being here in a different pace must have kind of created some impact in you. And how did you handle it?

Whoa, yeah. I think it's the global overarching benefit is it's better for me. You know, like, you know, I love being around the energy of say a place like New York, but it's not conducive or good for me because that taps into that better, faster, quicker. So I think I've also regulated that the move to Europe in as much as was a legacy.

Hmm.

role was also, if I look at this and go, dude, this is actually sustainable for you over the long term, you know, because of by nature, I go, go. And that then works, but doesn't work. So it's like the paradox of something that you do well is also I'm highly effective and efficient, but by the same token, your capacity to get burnt out is a lot higher there as well, too. So I've had to learn self-regulation. and self sustainability, so all those kind of things. So it has been difficult, not so much it's, I guess the partner and I really resonate with what you said about expectations is if I know that a process will take six months, then I can go, right, I know, at least I know when that time is, I'm okay with it. It was more the, I guess the inefficiencies or the attachments that I had to a particular outcome and more that would do, that was what would. create stress. I think I've surrendered that more. I've just gone, look, accept and appreciate there's some things that are outside of what you can control. Work with that. But same sort of thing. Like I've had to, particularly in the last 12 months, I've done more growth sitting in meditating and stuff to nurture that part of myself because I've realized that was, that was a blind spot. It was a bit of kryptonite, but a blind spot that kept showing up. and just basically just either impacted on how I was relating to myself by two other situations and unnecessarily creating stress for myself when I didn't need to.

Yeah. Okay. Interesting. I find like, actually, I'm finding a I'm trying to find that equilibrium, to be honest with you, like, you know, you live in a sort of a faster paced world, even Australia is already slope, like slower paced and compared to the New York City. But it's still at a pace. And you know, moving to Europe was almost like the opposite end. And you're like, Oh, like, this is life. And you really start to see the appreciation and how they handle European life, which is they focus a lot on family, they focus a lot, they don't really think about work.

Yeah.

they work, but they don't, there's not their highest priority. Don't, no one asks, comes around and goes, what do you do? What do you do? Like that's a very North American, Western kind of society way. Europe, it's like, they focus on like, no, work is, work is work. And like today's Sunday and today is family day. And there's a lot of that. And they kind of put that priority and you're like, oh, okay. So you, so you kind of scale back and go, whoa, yeah.

Yeah. which is helpful, which is helpful, because it actually realises it's good for you when you go, okay, I'm out of harmony here, I'm out of balance in terms of my own metrics, and what have I given up in the pursuit of one thing as a result? So definitely it's been an important factor.

Yes. Yeah, no, it's definitely, it's a really good observation, right, like it just helps you, because it hits you in your face really hard to recognize like, whoa, like I didn't realize I was at a pace. You know, going back to Toronto, for example, just recently going on holiday, and going back to the city, you can definitely feel the pace energy. There was just people, there's density, people are just moving, and there's like, you know, not that that's good or bad, but you can just feel the shift that was just slightly different. And, but.

Hmm.

there's a downside to that. The downside is that you grind to a halt sometimes too slow. And I'm trying to find that when I say equilibrium is like going from one direction here to fast, fast to like, whoa, really slow down. And now I'm like, okay, I don't know if that's actually helpful in terms of production and impact. And so now I'm like trying to find my way back to find like some happy medium. And I guess what I'm saying that it's like, you're kind of constantly doing that. And I think this is where waiting is, is that

new. Yep. That's a good point.

the swings are a lot higher when you're younger. And then as you get older, like you start kind of coming down to a more weaker. So you swing hopefully just like closer and closer to what's, yeah, it's just coming right down the narrow. Like it's right there, right? And that's what I'm hoping for at least. That's what I'm waiting for to a point. Cause right now, like I can tell you, honestly, my energy is like, no, I need to step up. I've been kind of on cruise control for a long time now. And I was like, no, I need to like, okay, there's some action. Cause I feel like

metronome is just really narrow.

there needs to be some sort of balance and I need to have some sort of energy. And so, the reason why I'm mentioning that is just to say that, it's not to say that European life is perfect. It's like, it creates some sort of good contrast to help you realize, but at the same time, there needs to be a recognizing that there's a downside to that and then finding happiness. And why I wanna say this is because everything in life has that, right? So when you listen to people, when you listen to podcasts or watch the different things, you're recognizing whatever they say,

Yeah.

it sounds great because it's like the grass is not greener on the other side. However, there's also a downside that you have to see, right? That you have to recognize so that you realize that there is some good and where you are in life, wherever you are, right? And there's some good on the other side too. And you got to somehow go, how do I blend some of those the good stuff here and the good stuff there and there's gonna be some sacrifice, unfortunately. But then how do you come out in the middle? I think that's coming out of the wash of that I think it's gonna be really important to kind of look through.

Yep. So there's a definitely there's a rhythm that as you said in terms of different areas. So there could be an environmental rhythm that you absorb. It can slow it can calm you down or can speed you up. And I'm reminded when I first got here, literally, I think the first week of being here, I caught up with someone I knew. And they'd lived in Barcelona for a long time, and 10 or so years, and they were just about to head off. And they're moving back to America. And I asked them, I go, how was your time here? Is it Did you enjoy it? He goes, look, I loved it. I realized that I'm by nature, a person who likes to go with the flow. And an environment like here, I allowed that to dictate things too much. So I actually need to hustle. So I'm actually going back to America to accelerate things. It was almost like, I'm taking on long point of what you're saying is finding that natural rhythm. If you're in an environment and it's hustling and it's bringing out the...

Mm.

parts of your personality that you know I'm great, i.e. like myself, like I mentioned to you, I need to have an awareness or build strategies around how do I adapt to my environment and while I'm getting things going. But if you're an environment that is a little bit more slow paced, that isn't as demanding on you, and you by nature default or allow yourself to get into the rhythm and habits of not challenging yourself, then you might find that things are going even slower than bureaucracy. because you're not really finding the rhythm that's actually getting things going. So the gift is being able to say, how can I keep things moving harmoniously with your mind in a sustainable way, irrespective of what's going on, whether where I live, what I do. And that's what I took out of that interaction with this person that I spoke to.

Hmm. Yeah, and really, that comes down to is the awareness again, of your own happiness. Because you got to know like, what makes you happy? For someone is hustling somewhat like, there are tons of people like, say Gary Vee, for as an example, he loves the hustle like he is just like, he is one of those guys who just loves, because I don't think it's work for him. But like I said, we'll call it work. He just like he loves that energy. That's what he does. He thrives on you can tell I met him a couple of times and you can just tell like, that's his nature. How he is on on video and on stage is exactly the same thing as in person. I met him in person exactly the same energy, right? He doesn't change. You know that that's him, but that may not be you. That's the key element. It's like, you can follow the steps and be inspired by it, but that name may not be you, right? And it's really important to recognize what makes you happy. And what are you willing to wait for to get to that happiness? I think that is really important. But fundamentally, it's like there's so many different millions of people around the world and they all have Millions of different dreams. But you gotta figure out what you want. What's the game you wanna play? I was talking to someone today, and I said, you know, one of the things that they were saying, they were saying, it's like, you know, I feel like I've been living someone else's dream, I live my kid's dream, my wife's dream, like, and I said to him, I'm like, oh, well, don't forget, this is a solar player game. Like, you know, and that's hard to hear, right? Because, no, I understand you have your family involved, but you play your own game here. You're a single player game. This is your game of life. Now, you just somehow have enrolled your wife, your kids to play your rules, your game. But they're also playing their game because they happen to be playing your game because they like the game you're playing. But at some point, your kids are gonna get to a point where they go, I like the game, but I kinda wanna change certain rules. I don't wanna play with these people. And all in this wash, if you don't realize and recognize that, hey, what's the game you are, what did you design this game to be like? What was the game you wanted to play if you haven't thought about that for a while?

Hmm. Hmm.

You're just playing someone else's game. And this is what I mean by a solo play game. It is our game. And I'm not saying you have to win it because the goal isn't to win. The goal is to play forever. But it's still recognizing you are designing the rules. And if you're comparing yourself to someone else, if you're comparing your game to, if I'm comparing your game, Jim, I might be winning or losing, but that's not the game we should be playing. I shouldn't be playing your game. I should be playing my game. I might be, you might be playing football and I'm playing hockey.

Hmm. it. Hmm. Hmm. Yep.

Right, different rules, different sport, different environment, like what's the point? How can I say I'm better than you or you're better than me when we're playing two different sport? That's not how, it's not a fair comparison to say Wayne Gretzky was better than Michael Jordan. Two different sport. And you know, who's the greater athlete? Well, you can't make that argument. It's really difficult to. You can maybe compare within the game. So I think it's really important to recognize that you are all playing a different game and recognizing that you have to design that. But you gotta know what's the essence of that game. How do you wanna win?

Hmm. Yep. Hmm.

How do you win at life? And this is what we're kind of striving for, that waiting for happiness, that's the key. But you have to be aware of what makes you happy.

Hmm. So I'm just reflecting on anybody who's watching the video. You know, whenever I, my mind's thinking, I just, I look all over the place. So that's, that's really okay. So I was looking down, contemplating, just trying to ruminate what was going through my mind as you were saying that Lawrence. And I thought that when you said something about being a solo player. and the waiting game. Like I know there's been situations, I've certainly spoken to people who by virtue of they enroll people conveniently as excuses for why things aren't proceeding. and quite often blame or place responsibility on the roles and the attack. And quite often they are legitimate roles that we all have, but often they're not really either wanting to progress into something or someone. And it's a convenient excuse to say, it's because of my family that I can't do this. And that's probably gonna annoy some people to hear that, but a lot of the times, The reason why you do achieve these things is because of them. And you can frame it to say, I am not progressing or I'm waiting, or I'm not where I am need to be because of these situations. But what would happen if you just said, you know what, I'm exactly where I need to be and I'm doing this because of I'm a solo person, but I also have these other chosen obligations in my world. that I want to take care of. And the result of that, that's who I'm showing up as. So I just looked at, that's what was going through my mind when you were saying that, about there are situations where we're doing things for ourselves and for other people, but sometimes we buy into the idea that we're not where we are because of our circumstances, the people, our responsibilities, when an actual fact doesn't have to be that way.

No, no. And you might not change tomorrow, but you have the choice to make a shift so that it can change in the future, right? And if, let's just say, we'll use an easier example. Like if I was playing basketball and I realized that, you know what, Lawrence, you're too short. You don't have to jump vertical height. You're just like, you're just not really that good. But I was told I was supposed to play basketball, because my family told me to play basketball, but I'm really, what I'm really good at is playing hockey. I really love hockey. But if I switch sports,

No. Hmm.

I'm gonna have to start from the beginning. I'm not gonna be great tomorrow, but I do have to go through the motions. But if I did switch, then I commit to it, sacrifice, and go through the process. Yeah, I may get to that point of being great, but also be happy in the process at the same time. But most people are not willing to do that. Most people are not willing to give up everything they've learned up to this point to start from scratch. I think that's the fear. The fear is... holding themselves, it's easier for most people to stay in the lane that they're already in and the game that they're already in, rather than starting from scratch on a new game. Because they don't, because it's so unknown, right? It's so unknown. And this is the same conversation we've been having around moving. And I hate to bring this back again, but it's really like a lot of people won't move because... staying where they are is easier than the unknown of moving. Even though there's maybe something, yeah, exactly, not necessarily location, yeah, business, employment, you know, whatever, relationships. But that's what it is, right? It's that fear, and that's the challenge. And that's what holds people by, even though they, heart of hearts, they know that's the better move, I guess.

whatever moving it may mean, you know, moving metaphorically or literally. Yeah. So if we summarize some key themes that have come through today, I think some of the things that I have really taken out about our conversation today is obviously the waiting process quite often. Sometimes it's just the process that's just gonna happen. You know, there's nothing you can do about it. So it's about how do you handle the delay? What do you do in yourself to handle that situation? Where do you channel your energy? Where do you take the power back, be decisive, be back in control and take action? They're the things that I took out of what you said. And from what I was talking about is the emotional regulation, you know, in terms of is the waiting game bringing up stuff for me? Am I numbing things down? Am I using it as an excuse to not try? What's going on for me in the waiting process? Am I getting frustrated? Am I getting angry? Is it affecting how I'm relating to other people? All those kinds of things are. ripple effects of that. That's what I've taken out of today. Anything you wanted to add Lawrence in terms of co-tailing on it?

Yeah, to add to that, I feel like I feel personally believe that you can change your happiness in the moment right now, if you choose to. Now it doesn't mean that you're gonna be happy right now, but I think you can move towards happiness, at least in the direction of happiness, if you make a choice. So it's like happiness one way, sadness one way, it doesn't really matter where your starting point is, I think it matters more of whatever direction you're actually heading. And that's what I mean. You can flip that switch at any moment in time. You could be all the way to sadness and near the end, but you can make that conscious choice because you know what, enough of this, I'm gonna move that way. And I think that's in everybody's control at any given moment. But it's having the guts and the courage and commitment to go, that's what I want. That's hard to do, but that's why you get so much joy out of it. And it's about our encouragement of this podcast is for you to get that courage and commitment. to go after happiness. Because this is what this is about. So I hope that's been helpful guys.

Lawrence, I'm complete. I was saying I don't have anything more to say. Let's wind up.

Yeah, I just hope that you guys are that that's been helpful. I love for some of you to share this, this video, this podcast with someone you feel that needs to hear this message. I'm sure it will resonate with some of you and you know who this will resonate with share with them. Please do that because I think it will help them change your life. Until next time, watch you. We'll see you guys on the next. We'll be sorry.